Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
