update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
