I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Randomize
