I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
