I met the friendliest cop last night
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
