I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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