I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
love makes seman taste better
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
