did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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