just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
