So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
