I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
