Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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