So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
