Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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