my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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