you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
