2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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