Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
