i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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