i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
