she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
