My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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