ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
if only i could text you this smell
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
