Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
