I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
