I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
