Where is the hickey?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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