Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
