I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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