We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
