just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
