you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
