last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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