I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
