Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
