i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
