Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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