I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
