I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
