Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
