well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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