I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Drake has all the answers
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
