My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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