turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
