I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
