I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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