the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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