I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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