I'm gonna have a badass scar
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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