Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
